If Toddlers Did Reviews: My New Ride

Blog post by Firstborn, a 2.5 year old rampaging toddler.
Firstborn brings reviews straight from the toddlers mouth (via his Mum's interpretation) and know what toddlers like (red things, to be precise). #HonestReviews #ToddlerRules


Firstborn is well known for his first book 'The Seven Secrets of Successful Poop Concealment: Toddler Edition''.
He is currently working on his second book, titled:  'How to Ride a Giant Inflatable Bunny on Your Baby Brother for Kicks: THE Guide to Attention Seeking After a Newborn Sibling*

*totally fictitious book titles.





This Week, First Born Reviews: Little Tikes Cozy Coupe:



(Note my mum may have done some serious editing in the piece, as I have literally just learned to string a sentence together. Cheers, mum, now put the dinner on love, so I can throw a strop on that the beans are touching the chickie nuggs).


This week mum took me to a complete strangers house to get my first car. There, nestled between the overflowing recycling bins, some poor old toddler mug had had his beloved red & yellow Cozy Coupe nabbed away from him by his OWN mother. Supposedly he had 'grown out of it', so she was offloading it on Gumtree. Obviously he hadn't grown out of it, else you wouldn't of had to hide it outside between some refuse, silly lady.


Anyway, finders keepers, and I wheeled my new ride into the back of mum's people carrier.
Unfortunately, I couldn't drive it home as we didn't have the necessary insurance or I, a drivers licence for that matter. My belligerent mother struggled with that concept all the way home, as she did with my incessant whining to have a go on it right now. Silly lady.


Here's my review for What Toddler Car? Magazine**:


**Again, totally fictitious.


Aesthetics:
  • It's red. I like red.
  • Apparently it also comes in other toddler obssessions such as Dino and Police style. But mine is red and you can't have it.
  • Easy to spot. Just when your parental units think you have forgotton about it, this large hunk of plastic is difficult for them to hide, meaning you can demand rides in it ALL day long. (NB: easily hidden between bins, don't be fooled like the previous owner above, but his loss was my gain #ToddlerRules)
  •  'Sleek' 'aerodynamic' appearance of a one man people carrier - just like mummy's car, only smaller, less dents and for now, less raisins stuck between the seats.


Economy:
  • Cheap to run - uses eco TP (Toddler Power). On a good day, fuelled by jellytots, you can get unlimited laps round the house to the gallon.
  • Sturdy design means low breakdown rate.
  • Does occasionally need parental RAC help over 'potholes' (carpets/patios/abandoned garden toys/cat).
Added extras
  • Key - Great if you've got it but you're in deep kaka if you lose it. Think world war 3 of paddies.
  • Horn - Mum doesn't seem too annoyed by it as long as I don't peep it when she's watching Homes under the hammer
  • Customisable stickers - I love unpeeling stickers and sticking them on mummy's bum or Big Suze the cat.  They are a bugger to stick back on again after you've done this, but don't worry a simple solution to this is to roll around on the floor and scream non-stop at the unfairness of it all. Eventually your parents will just buy you some more in exchange for some 'pieces of quiet'. Whatever that is.
  • Faux petrol cap - excellent for imaginative play and cramming sweet wrappers in.
  • There are rumours that you can join some kind of Cozy Coupe Club. Mum says you have to pay for this and it costs 'almost the same as the flipping car.' I give her a week before she shells out.
Interior Comfort
  • High backed seat to cruise in Flat Eric style,
  • Roomy multiuse interior:
    • Easy to have a kip in;
    • Crouch down and have a poopie in;

    • Eat your dinner in;


    • Watch a drive in movie. You never actually never have to leave. In fact refuse to leave whenever your caregiver asks you. Remember if you do leave, you risk some other thieving mini me nabbing this mean machine off you.;


    • Or, you can also take it outside but apparently Dad says he'll 'Freeze his knackers off' if we go out there.
  • Wide doors with easy opening for the 'just learned to walk crowd' as well as those 'stumbling, high on sugar post birthday party'.

Audio
  • Unique  2 year old jibber-jabber system includes soundtracks such as 'Vroom vrooooom', 'Beep beep' and 'Mummy,  I stuck', along with the classic 'Make it go faster'.
  • Easy to crack the windows down (as it has no windows) for everyone to hear your top tunes and gary around the other toddlers in the preschool neighbourhood.
Boot space and practicality
  • Perfect rack for 3 trains, a half eaten apple and some old receipts
  • No cup holders on this model, but I've got a personal assistant for that anyway (cheers, mum!)
  • Chunky design perfect for chubby wristed toddler dude
  • No parent handle on this model, but that's not my problem #ToddlerRules. You still have to push me round, and you can lose some of that baby weight in the process, Mum. That'll teach you for buying the cheaper model or having a second child.
  • Difficult to fit into the loo whilst mum has disappeared into there. But if you set off your own in built toddler alarm system (feigning injury), she will soon rush out to help you.
Running cost and emissions
  • Although it is free to run,  I do accept chocolate covered raisins and those expensive crisps you keep in the top cupboard as payment if you want me to pootle around for over 30 minutes unassisted.
  • The only emissions are my toddler trumps which I proudly announce around the house, especially when guests are present.
  • No engine, so no way head gasket or other impossibly expensive item can blow. No way of being done over by mechanic, or being 'taken for a ducking mug', as mummy says. No idea what a ducking mug is, but I do like feeding the ducks, normally with inappropriate duck snacks.


Reliability and safety
  • Now this is the only area where the car scores low:
    • Poor security against other toddler terrors. No central locking, meaning this toddler-ride can be stolen by other passing pre-schoolers
    • Liable to road rage in such above incidents including such scenarios 'its mine, mine, get off' and 'noooo, don't touch it' and 'mummy, make him stop, its my turn.'
    • No windows - can be seen as a positive & a negative - no broken glass related injuries and easy exit also out over the bonnet, however can result in toddler bundling into the car through the open windows and more episodes of toddler rage.
    • Complete with sturdy bubble roll cage, also useful in road rage incidents.
  • In essence, this is a toy, only to crack out with one toddler present (as it much the case with most toys), unless you want the proverbial to go down.
  • Chunky wheels, nice and solid. More likely to damage your house/other children/lawn rather than itself get damaged. Mummy is catching up on her Facebook so doesn't notice the damage I have done to her skirting.
  • Safety testing results:
    • In cat Vs. car collisions -  studies show car normally wins
    • In parent's foot Vs. car collision - the bruises on my mental-parentals feet show that the car always wins.
Engine, drive and performance
  • Completely user dependent (and treat dependent) .
Price
  • Being a self serving ego-centric being, I care little for the price. I expect both toys AND snacks, in case you are reading this Mum. And for the record, yes, I will ask Dad if you say no, and yes, it will be when you are distracted in one of your 'loo breaks' (checking Facebook/twitter/daily mail online gossip pages breaks).
Tax band
  • Unbanded. Due to low emissions profile and eco-toddler engine. My dad says this is a small mercy as the cost of having kids on the whole  is massive.


Summary


    I love it, it is red.

Mum's view (not that it matters)


    'I was initially hesitant to buy yet another plastic monstrosity but thought that if this one wasn't a success I could always use it as another laundry rack. As luck would have it, I spotted one on Gumtree for a mere £15, with a key (yes a key, I almost couldn't believe my luck and how sad my life has become that I became excited by that prospect).
    Firstborn had been a right grumpy sod that morning when we went to pick up the car. But as always he could sense my lack of discipline follow through and got both a packet of Jelly tots AND a car for whining the entire way there and back. But nothing could compare to the look of delight when he got his first car, the numerous cute pictures that ensued and subsequent Facebook picture updates. 
    This little red baby has been an awesome buy. Never mind the toddler fun that has been had the mum-benefits include:
    • It's too large to fit in the loo - meaning solo mum loo time - get in!
    • Inbuilt GPS tracker, in the form of a squeaky wheel, so you can locate the little bugger round the house. as long as there's a squeak you know he's not riffling through the cupboards or flushing your mobile down the loo.
    • Amusement and tired-obility - they are amused, which means you can get shit done and the Fred Flintstone like engine it has (their own leggies) means it wears them out. All hail the possibility of bonus nap time!
    • One of those toys they can play on their own (until they hit a change of surface and scream 'Mummy, help, can't do it!')
This is not a sponsored post, I genuinely love this car, mainly because its given me some alone time....If you count alone time as sitting in the sofa with a cuppa trying to see through a red and yellow plastic moving hump veering around the living room to get a view of silver fox, Philip Scofield on This Morning.
Of course other toddler ride ons are probably equally as great.
And if you would like to furnish me and my house with more toddler ride ons/clothes horses in exchange for reviews, please do. Wine is also accepted. Money is stashed away in my knicker drawer'
Doctomum xx



*******

Have you got a great toddler or baby buy that actually just benefits you? #MumRules or DadsRule (no sexism here) - post below if so!
Join me in conquering the world, one toddler at a time.
Follow me on Facebook, please. Last week I doubled my members to two. Next week I hope to maybe quadruple it.
Also I'm on twitter, normally when I'm on the loo.





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12 comments:

  1. Aww, sad now that in spite of five children we have never owned one of these! Too big to fit in the loo you say? - that in itself is a reason to own one! :)

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    1. They are the cutest thing to see them whizzing around in, however after seeing two kids squabbling over one, I can only imagine the world war 3 proportions of five kids fighting over one - probably for the best you don't have one - they cannot be shared!

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  2. Haha eco TP :D And the picture of him in a drive-in "cinema" is just adorable :D Very funny post! #brillianblogposts

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    1. Thanks, any child in one of these looks adorable, though they do throw mega strops if they are threatened (by another toddler).

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  3. He is adorable and I laughed hard at this. What an intelligent yet demanding little creature you have! #KidTested

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    1. They call it 'spirited', I call it a ruddy nightmare! Have you seen the ones with eyes on the front? I want one with eyes. It will scare the baby further into submission, so Firstborn will love it too.

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  4. Love love love this review!! I also love these cars, they are fab!

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    1. I loved writing it. It was great to get into the mind of a toddler where all you have to think about is where you mum has hidden the Haribo and find amusement in playing with the same freaking toy over and over and over again.
      I want to start a car collection of little tikes cars now - think, the equivalent of having a toddler midlife crisis, with one for sunday rides, one to nip to the shops in and most importantly, one to garden pootle.

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  5. I don't know who loves Little Tikes more ... our children or us! Massive fans #KidTested

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    1. They make the sturdiest hunks of plastic don't they? And being brightly coloured they are like magnets for kids. Love 'em.

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  6. Giggle... At all of it but especially using Twitter on the loo. It's one of my few moments I might legitimately have alone in the day (even then I'm often accompanied by one or the other of my little darlings) but yes I do often check my phone there too! Can I share on fb? Think you'd probably get some more fans... Even though my page still sparse as a newbie.

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    1. Of course you can share on the mighty FB, thanks for thinking of sharing.
      I had about 17 likes the last time I checked - woah, time to throw a party at my amazing popularity!
      The loo has typically always been a daddy's domain but it's quickly becoming 'mummy's social catchup office' with a lockable door. Love that place.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. Hope you had some nice 'office' time today.

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