The Medical Baby Name Dictionary: What Not to Name Your Child.

Did you know that the meaning of the name Philip is 'lover of horses'. Odd meaning isn't it? Unless you know a Philip, who is particularly fond of horses.

Working with children and babies, I have the privilege of seeing some bizarre baby names (though I'm one to talk after what I have named my children).
But have you ever thought, 'that name sounds lovely'...*adds to baby name list*..Then discovered what it means?...*crosses off baby name list*.

Here's a list of medical names, that have a certain nice ring to them...but under no circumstances should be used as baby names.....But if you did name your child them, this is what that baby name would mean. Apologies for the longest sentence in history. Here it is then:


The Medical Baby Name Dictionary: Girls Version



Nickname: 'Hot Rubes'
Origin: German (measles).
Meaning: Infectious personality, dislikes being part of the herd (immunity).

Actual meaning: An infective virus also known as German Measles


Nickname: 'Orribledeth'
Origin: West Africa.
Meaning: Directly translates as 'Lover of Fruit bats'. Hot tempered, can engulf a nation with her infectious nature with dramatic consequences.

Actual meaning: Deadly virus that on the whole was contained in West Africa in 2015 but caused an immense amount of angst amongst the middle classes Daily Mail set of western countries.


Nickname: 'Miss Popular'
Origin: Probably the Romans, they were always at it.

Meaning: Pronounced 'Fee-lay-she-oh - the name is said to roll off the tongue. Possesses a certain charm that can bring men to their knees.

Actual meaning: If you do not know, please google it, you'll soon find out. Do NOT click image search.


Nickname: 'Jock(itch)'
Origin: Somewhere warm and moist.
Meaning: An irritating presence in the garden of ladies. Thrives in hotter climes.

Actual meaning: Thrush (not the bird).


Nickname: Couldn't think of one without it being completely un-PC
Origin: Greek.
Meaning: without limbs. Literally. No need to embellish this one.

Actual meaning: See above. That's the medical meaning. It does have a lovely 'baby name' meaning. *Hopes hasn't offended all parents of babies named Amelia*


Nickname: 'Tarrypoops'
Origin: Often unknown, requires further investigation.
Meaning: Has a dark unyielding presence, suspicious nature.

Actual meaning: Dark tarry black stool resulting from an upper gastrointestinal bleed. Also actually used as a name (I actually know a girl called this).


Nickname: 'Nipnips'
Origin: Sounds Mediterranean, but probably not.
Meaning: Her soft looks hide her hard bullet like interior, ready to pop out at any occasion (particularly embarrassing ones). She is natures essential but some see her as taboo.

Actual meaning: This thing that surrounds the thing you are not allowed to show on Facebook pictures, even if you are breastfeeding.


Nickname: 'Clappy'
Origin: Your ex.
Meaning: Cloak-like, shy and hiding an inner discomfort. Her underlying passion can cause untold inflammation with damaging consequence from her begrudging nature.

Actual meaning: The Clap. The silent STI feared by most and highly featured on Embarrassing Illnesses.


Nickname: 'Rosie'
Origin: The middle ages.
Meaning 'Joyful & rosy cheeked, but a sensitive soul. Appears easily embarrassed.

Actual meaning: A skin condition that gives the sufferer facial flushing and redness. Still quite an attractive name.


Nickname: 'Wartina'
Origin: The foothills.
Meaning: Often downtrodden and seen as the thorny rose of the sole. Unlikable persistent nature. Lover of swimming pools.

Actual meaning: 'The wart of the sole'. Nice.


Nickname: 'Tangoed'
Origin: Equatorial. Anywhere outside native England.
Meaning: Olive skinned beauty. A popular name, often faked on the shores of Jordie or the towns of Essex.

Actual meaning: The pigment in your hair, skin and eyes. I can see this one actually becoming a real name too the more I say it. Good ol' Mel.


Nickname: 'Vahino' 'Vag' 'Foof'
Origin: The valleys.
Meaning: warm and welcoming, a delicate flower needing a (pH) balanced life. Easy to irritate - historically at war with Queen Candida of the Valleys (see above).

Actual meaning: Your ladybits (the outside foliage, not the inside stem, if you're feeling pedantic).

And for the Twin boy & Girl...

Labia Majora & Labia Minora

Nicknames: 'Flaps & Curtains'
Meaning: 'The Twins', hence a commonly used name for multiples. Both Major and Minora are easily flappable. Gets on particularty well with the Phaluses of this world (see boys names to follow).

Actual meaning: See above nicknames 'Flaps and Curtains.'


Thanks for reading - got any more you names, that aren't names, but could be, that shouldn't be baby names to add?

Boys medical baby name dictionary to follow (I'm working on it, in between hurling nappies down the stairs and weaning the baby with frozen yoghurt, which is an unsurprising hit if you're interested).

Just one more thing (as Colombo would say)...well two:
1) If you like what I write, please follow me by clicking on one of my buttons to the right on the side
2) Vote for me for one of the BiBs awards (I've included both links below, so you have no excuse not to)

Just add these details to them:
Blogname: Doctomum
Twitter ID: Doctomum

I will repay you with a virtual glass of wine and a cheeseboard (not the cheese, I virtually ate that).

Brilliant blog posts on


  1. Bahahaha! I teach a girl called Amelia- I never knew! I also grew up with a Verruca, I mean a girl, not a gross foot sore. When we chose our Baby's name we looked it think people would, right? But judging by the abundance of Chantelles I guess not.

    Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows


    1. You have to remember to say the name out loud too and check the initials - there are an insane amount of children with the initials B.J.
      I do quite like Fellatio (as a name) though, sounds quite posh doesn't it?
      Love your blog, just found it recently BTW.

  2. PS. When I tried to follow by email I got this message: The feed does not have subscriptions by email enabled

    1. Oh, thanks for letting me know, I'll have to fiddle around to fix that (or just swear at my laptop a lot and google the solution)

  3. Ha ha - currently choosing names so will bear this in mind! #brilliantblogposts

    1. Good luck with the name choosing. There are a lot of great names out there...none of which are included in this post