What to Watch on TV - Parent Style

Of course, now you're off on maternity leave, you're watching lots of great tele, right?

Now your a SAHM/D you are kicking your feet up in the evening, chillin' to the latest reality show, right?
 
And you working parents, you get the best of both worlds right - both 'Beebies and box sets?

Right? Right....?

Er.....

I was going to tell you the must see programmes to watch.
 
The reality trash to while away your mat leave with.
 
The emotional leaky boob making dramas.
 
The criminal series that will have you chomping at the bit.
 
And the sexy ones that have you clearing the kids out of the living room and wondering if you'll ever have the energy again to do that.

But that would be hypocritical as after trawling up and down the stairs to put two to bed, who just in turn wake each other up again, this is what I have been watching... AKA The Parents' Guide To TV:

 

Show 1: 'The Blue Goddess'


 
 
At 7.47pm, I crumple into the sofa to face the Blue Goddess (the shut down CBeebies screen).
 
So called as she has been there all day for me with her preschool charming beauty and I have unsuccessfully tried to turn off the TV by just jamming my pudgy postnatal fingers into all the remote buttons. The blue goddess likes an early night and turned herself off at 7 to reveal her azure glow.
 
Lucky bitch.
 

While basking in the radiance I:
  • Stare, numb at the tele, comparing my evenings now to evenings 4 years ago (which were actually considerably similar but I hadn't memorised the kids TV scheduling then).
  • Put kettle on and forget I have done so.
  • Opt for large glass of wine. Glug it too fast as haven't drunk a normal beverage for 6 hours and am completely parched.
  • Fanny about on phone internet
  • Suddenly recall very important task, at which point toddler screams for urgent duvet cover straightening issue.
  • Trot off upstairs.
 

Show 2: 'The Black Death'

 
 
It's 8:15pm when I return to my sloth-ground.
 
Whilst upstairs, one child loudly demanded his covers be pulled up, but not that much, that's too little, now it's a bit ouchy etc, waking the baby who fired up his siren cry.
 
After settling/winding/patting/swaying/milk stuffing, the TV has given up on me and now states it's 'out of range'.
Now to:
  • Curse the Sky box
  • Jam fingers at remote
  • Realise that was the last of the wine
  • Reboil cooled kettle
  • Hunt for dirty snacks, can only find rice cakes. There's not even a Babybel to snarf.
  • Mourn old life again for the loss of being able to just 'pop out' for wine and crisps like I used to.
  • Turn it on and off again
  • Consider tidying toy vomit up
 

Show 3: 'New Hope'

 
 


8.20: After 5 minutes of muttering at the TV whilst resorting wooden food into the appropriate containers, the screen comes to life in repetition of the promo page. You know the one (hint: It's also the one you get stuck on when you go to a hotel and turn the TV on. Cue more jamming fingers into the remote).
Finally, a night of basking in the tele's comforting aura.
 
"Waaaahhhhhh!" Goes the baby monitor.
 
"Sigh." Goes the mummy.
 
"Creak" Go the Stairs.
 
"Slurp" Goes the baby.
 
 

Show 4: 'Making your mind up'

 

 
8.45pm: Almost reached the mecca now. Just one more step. Baby and toddler asleep. The TV guide has been checked and there is nothing on 400+ channels. Not a cocktail sausage.
 
Right so, what have we got on playback?
 
The husband has deleted all of my 'house' programmes in an OCD blitz to make the on recorded screen look tidy. No Kirsty and Phil fix tonight.
 
That leaves the world of Disney/Pixar, Peppa pig or a half watched film (there is a page two, but that is more parent soul destroying with Bing and Bubble Guppies, in series).
 
Weigh up selections. Get distracted. Fart about on computer. Husband arrives home and tell him about my day....in.... every.... minute.... detail.
 
Realise we have both been staring at this screen for 10 minutes.
 
A little part of us dies.
 

Show 5: 'The Hold up'

 
 
 
It's now 9:00pm.
 
Put it on pause, finally remember to make cup of tea and find half a bag of peanuts left over from Christmas to snack on alongside some jellybeans we use to encourage toddler urination on the potty (just a posh way of saying a potty training bribe).
 

 

Show 6: 'Twin Location, Location, Location'

 
 
Hang on, I've got 'on demand'.
 
And, er, I desperately need to catch up with today's twin adventures.
 
OK, I just need to see how far they have got wth redecorating their house.
 
What's one child's twintastic programming is another mummy's house interior porn.
 
Time check: What?! It's 11pm!
 
Time for bed.
 
And "that" said mummy "was that".
 
 
 
 
NB:
 
*Yes I have a massive tele, but it is 7 years old and its not on loan at 3000% APR before I get judged by the TV sizests.
 
** This is what I definitely do NOT want to see...But actually end up watching every naptime. Do-do-do-do-do-da-da-da-da-da-da.
 





 

But I'm desperate for some child-free relaxo-TV time...


If you are after something to watch during the nightfeed/over your toddlers shoulder, then I do recommend any Real House Wives series (also known as 50 States of Bitch) for some easy to watch trash. Who knew every state could harbour a different shade of bitch?
 
If you're after sexy scenes, then The Affair is rife. If you want really dirty bonk scenes (and some phallus trimming) then Game of Thrones, obviously.
 
I've run out of nursing pads so there is no leaky boob making drama recommendation.
 
Otherwise you can join me watching Topsy and Tim, or any programme related to home improvements which I neither have the money for or child-free time.
 
 
 
Any top tele recommendations? What do you end up watching?


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17 comments:

  1. I'm loving The Affair at the minute! Great post xx

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    1. It's soooo good, even though with interruptions it takes me 2 hours to watch an episode. I'm gagging to know what this whole police investigation is about in it.

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  2. Love it! Fab post. 👍 I am totally with you on the Real housewives - although Cheshire and Beverly Hills are my favourites. I won't be jointing you in your Topsy and Tim adventures though --- how did they even get their own show? In my day they just had books!

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    1. Haha - Well if Topsy & Tim can get their own show, I don't see how we can't get our own show?!
      Real housewives just gets better and better each series they do. Have you seen Game of Crowns? Similar concept, still as bitchy, possibly more bitchy in fact.

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  3. Clearly I can't now edit the above comment, but suffice to say 'jointing' was an erroneous typo and not a reference to illegal substances!

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    1. Well, you probably do need to be taking illegal substances to get through an episode!

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  4. This is a great post and made me chuckle! I rarely get to watch my stuff on telly now, my toddler either tells me "thats boring! I want cbeebies!" or we have to watch Andys Dinosaur Adventures for the 150,749 time!

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    1. Aw thanks. Your tele life is certainly over when you have a toddler ruling the remote! I have to say, I have a secret love for Andy (he can take me on a dinosaur adventure anytime) but I think that's just because I'm exposed to him (not in a flasher way) every blinking day.

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  5. I constantly forget I've boiled the kettle! Not a big fan of tv myself, prefer to spend the evenings catching up on twitter or something! #thelist

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    1. You are so lucky not to be a tele addict - it's just one more thing the kids distract me from!

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  6. I didn't watch much TV when I was on maternity leave, but I did enjoy catching up on my reading during marathon nursing sessions. These days, I'm all about Netflix. LOVE Scandal, but I don't know if you get it in the UK. Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.

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    1. *Makes note of Scandal*...I love the buzz of finding a great new show to look forward to each week. I haven't used Netflix because we got Sky this year, but so many people rave about it that I may have to see if I can get a free trial to see what its like (most time wasted for me though!)

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  7. Oh, the times I have realised that I am still watching Cbeebies even though one of the children is at nursery and the other is asleep... I am also intrigued by the domestic situation in Topsy and Tim, mum's dubious taste in vases, etc. How are all their old neighbours doing, I find myself wondering.
    I was outraged to discover that they are not twins in real life.

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    1. Haha...Yep, I'm guilty of that one too! Although I can't stand Postman Pat (despite being a fan when I was a child...what an incompetent idiot!).
      I do like how Topsy and Time have a 'normal' kind of house, filled with crap, but I am now outrages too that they are not twins! are they at least related? Because they look alike. Must be brilliant casting.

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  8. Cracking post as always!!
    I used to watch Come Dine with me and One Born Every Minute when my kids were tiny. Food going into ovens and buns coming out of others. Blood drenched buns...makes for great telly!
    Now, the only way I'll stay conscious through any telly is if it involves Hugh Jackman or anything where there's insane zombie violence. Recently watched World War Z with Brad Pitt on Netflix and it scared the bejesus out of me!
    Anything with Brad is sure to be a winner x

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    1. Thanks, I am cracking up at your Facebook Statuses recently (not because you have only become funny recently, but because I've just discovered that I can follow blogs on facebook!)
      Great take on bloody buns...definitely puts me off One Born and little off come dine with me. though the food on there normally resembles bloody buns.
      I can't watch anything scary at the mo...must be the hormones. So I'll leave you your Zombies (but take you Hugh and Brad) x

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  9. Fab post hun! All I ever get to watch is Sherrif Callie! Baby insists! Thanks so much for linking up to #TheList x

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