Its Looking at Me: A Tale of Willies.


"Mummy, it's looking at me." My son says, staring down at his groin, his feet dangling over the edge of the toilet.
"I suppose you're right, it is looking at you," I reply, distracted by trying to accost the baby from ferreting in the bin for more used ear buds to gorge on.
"Now, he's looking at you!" He exclains.
I face up to see someone pointing their appendage at me. Luckily, this dingly-dangly has just been to the watering hole, else I wouldn't be quite so calm.
Ever since starting potty training, my eldest, has been fascinated with his willy. Compared to his friends, he has come to it quite late.
As a baby on the changing mat, he didn't seem to grapple with it, pulling it into contorted shape that would of made a grown man's eyes water.
He was never a 'puller' or a 'twanger'.
He always been very keen on wearing trousers, unlike my sister as a child as my mum tells me,  "she always ran around in the nuddie."
In fact, my son is so keen on covering up, even in this heat wave he demands trousers on and if I give him shorts, he runs around trying to pull them down over his knees like in some Ministry of silly walks sketch.
But now that has all changed. It's all about the willy. His willy. And of course the odd remark about Daddy's one and the absence of Mummy's one. Though the willy curiosity has spread further:
"Mummy, does Suki (the cat) have a willy?"
"Mummy, where's Nanny's willy?"
"Mummy, Daddy's has a big willy and I have a little willy... why?"

And then of course there are the toileting observations of others.
As any parent will know, and probably dreads, it's the questions that are fired at you by a child when you are squeezed into a public loo. Difficult to answer at the best of times, even more so when you are hovering over a broken loo seat trying not to let your changing bag touch piss-puddled floor and with one foot keeping the broken door shut simultaneously wrenching up your knickers. Yep, we've all been there.
"Mummy, What you doing? Are you doing a poo-poo or a wee-wee? I can see it...You're doing a wee-wee..." Followed by a stark realisation "MUMMY, WHERE'S YOUR WILLY?!"
"Well, girls don't have willies, they have , er, boobies" I say matter-of factly, cringing as the toilet flushes next door.
"Oh, OK." He replies, his appetite for appendage talk satiated, surprisingly easily.
Thankful for the small mercy the loo god has given me today, I turn to think about:
What do you call girls bits?
So far, when my son has pushed the subject, I've gone as far as naming it 'front bottom.' 
But from what I can gather naming girls bits is rather more difficult than naming boys bits. Girls inny bits range from the rather sweet and twee, 'twinkle' 'foof' or 'la-la' to the classic 'fanny' (used back in my day), to the scientifically brave 'vagina'.
For once having a boy, is a reprieve in regards to genital naming.
It's simple - 99% of people go with willy. I'm sure there's a few 'dinkles' and 'winkles' around too and there is of course the anatomically correct name of, 'penis', but after hearing:
"OW, MY PENIS...I LANDED ON MY PENIS... OOOOHHH MY PEEE-NIIISS..." from a small boy landing at the bottom of a slide at soft play, I quickly decided against that.
Just like when you name your dog, when naming your genitals, one must think:
"Would I be happy to shout it across a field/in the public loo/at the soft play?"
And nothing compares to the chortles I get when I here him watching Daddy have a wee (which to him has all the awe of watching a man-sized water fountain):
"Daddy!" He giggles. "I want to watch!" More giggling. "It's coming out" accompanied by excited squeals, then a pause....
"NO DON'T TOUCH IT!" My husband shouts as my son tries dips his finger into the stream.
Now, much of this winky-winky-woo-woo talk has become common place in our house (and likely most house with boys) and we are pretty blasé about it. But there is always a new 'downstairs' ground to touch on:
"Mummy why do you have hair there?"
In fact I remember asking my mum this, while I hung out in the bathroom to chat to her when I was around 6 years old. Of course now, I realise that she just wanted some fricking time alone and I should of been watching tele or something (but remember there was only 4 channels back then). Then I said:
"It's to cover the baby's head when it comes out, isn't it?"
"Er, yes" She replied, most likely, mentally willing me to leave her personal space so she could just use the bathroom alone.
Made complete sense to me at the time - to give the baby some dignity. Because it's the baby that's needs dignity in that situation.
How a little time (and experience) changes that perspective.
Anyway, I won't be using that reason to explain pubic hair to my son, as there is a big "Where do babies come from hole?" that will be uncovered if I do so.
I'd love to hear your winkle-tinkle doo-dah stories and I really want to know...what do you call a little girls bits without sounding like your talking about a yellow teletubbie?
Please do tell....and if you like this or giggled a bit, then share!


Little Hearts, Big Love

And then the fun began...


  1. Lol, brilliant - love the way children come out with embarrassing things when you're in a public loo. I can imagine that willies must be fascinating to small boys (not sure they ever grow out of that one!) and yes it is much easier with deciding terms to use describing genitalia when you have boys. At the moment, I generally just refer to "girlie bits" as it seems the easiest way to describe it to my girls. Thanks for linking up to #ftmob :-)

    1. Ah, yes, I hadn't thought of 'bits' but that is probably the best term to use! Boys certainly do love their bits! Thanks for hosting #ftmob

  2. Argh! Another deleted comment! Made me laugh lots with this one! We call girls bits - very imaginatively - 'bits'.
    Worked well in toddlerhood, but is less than ideal in the pre-pubescent years!

    1. Are you commenting by using your phone? Googleplus always wipes my comment after I log in the first time on my phone so now I copy it beforehand as I know it's dastardly tricks.
      I'm deft intel going with bits, much better than front bottom which just sounds a bit gross now I think of if!

    2. I have just found your site for the first time. I would like to say it is very very good and more than a good laugh. I'm a SAHD with a 2 and 3 year old (both boys). It is quite something to fight off two boy from trying to wave their little hands in mid stream, the 3 year old now responds with why not? As for the naming of lady parts (which is what we call them), front bottom or bum is a really bad idea, it raises the whole why doesn't poo come from their question and a blank stare as you try to describe the inner anatomy of a female in child language (been there). The best one so far for me public toilet wise was when my eldest, after taking him to the toilet loudly proclaimed (shouted at the top of his lungs) just as I sat down, "DADDY, YOUR HAVING A POO." There's me whispering "shhh, if your really really quiet I'll get you some sweets." to which his reply again with as much enthusiasm as the first statement, "DADDY STOP POOING, I WANT SOME SWEETS NOW PLEASE." My wife who had a rare day off at the time was laughing her head off when I came out as she could loudly hear him word for word from about 10 meters away. Aaah bless the little (mutters indistinguishably under breath) darlings.

      I hope to read many more of your posts in the future, keep up the good work :)

    3. Hello mysterious 'Unknown'! Thank you so much for the blog-compliments, I would like to say that your comment is very very good, most possibly the best comment I have had ever (in all seriousness) - you win the key to my blog (means you can visit anytime...much like anyone else, but I know you out-comment the lot of them). Anyway, enough of the mutual flattery!
      Good call with the front bum, yeah lady parts does sound more sensible. Far better than a kid shouting vahino across the soft play anyway.
      Ah, don't you just love kids....of course their indiscretions make the best blog posts! There is a point to being embarrassed by hurry up and get pooing so your son can get his sweeties!