The Alternative Yet Ultimate Baby's Christmas Gift Guide

So here I am on black Friday eve, stumbling over what to put in the Christmas list for my second born 1-year old. He's got all the plastic tat Early learning centre could vomit, already handed down to him from his brother, so what do I get him for Christmas?

An example of what an ELC binge can look like. It ain't pretty folks.

The options were to guilt buy from Amazon's 'suggestions' or just get him nothing as he probably won't notice what's going on anyway. Until, I had a present-epiphany....

Stop the press, hold the phone, pass the baby - here's  the have the ultimate Christmas gift list (of stuff that you already have). Yes that's right, look no further, for your budget buys, as you don't actually have to budget or buy anything, and you certainly don't need to trample on peoples club card fisted hands to get to these bargains this black Friday.

You, my lucky friend, have already got this shit lying around the house/thrown down the loo/stuffed under the sofa.

The Alternative Baby's Christmas Gift Guide:

**Please note, some of these things are actually more than a tiny bit dangerous for kinder  and shouldn't actually be given as gifts, but children do seem to be naturally drawn to them. Once again, do not give them as gifts, no matter how much those puppy dog baby eyes tell you too.

  1. Packet of Wipes
Nothing better than a packet of 'infinity moist towels': These in a child's eyes are the equivalent of Mary Poppins carpet bag - they just keep on coming. Unless it's mum's last pack and you've had shit-ter-geddon, then you're hunting for Han Solo wipe in the tatooine desert. They also double as teething rags that give you lightly fragranced Vitamin E breath. And they are great for whacking with a cute little chubby fist. I mean, everyone's a winner with this gift aren't they?

Wipes of innocence

     2. Real Keys

None of these fancy plastic toy keys, nah, these modern day babies can see right though that tat. But the teeth grinding, almost-dropped -them -down- the -drain- had- a- mini- heart- attack, real keys. Only these will do. Great teethers, fantastic banger-wangers and great chucker-on-the-floorers.

      3. Real Money

    Just like there's something about Mary, there's something about money. Real money. So what is it kids that you like about this 'toy'? Is it its cool lickable hard exterior? Or the look of sheer panic on any adults face when you substitute that dummy for a shiny 50 pence piece? I fear it's the latter.
    Obviously, (well I hope obviously) this is one of those things you probably shouldn't let you children actually play with.

         4. The Remote Control

    There's only one person happy about this situation

    Specifically only to to be used when you are just getting to the juicy bit of Real Housewives of Cheshire or when they reveal what the vendor has done with that dry-rot ridden house on Homes Under The Hammer. Of course this means only the real remote will do.

         5.  That Tiny Bit of Fluff on the Carpet

    Already feeling a bad mother that you let the loos slip to get the food shopping done this week? 
    Well now your baby is showing you up by finding and marvelling at every tiny bit of fluff and dirt you have on your carpet. 
    Though, they are practising that pincer grip, so you get double good parenting points for that (and maybe get yourself a cleaner, there are more important things in life - present for you perhaps?)

        6.   Coasters

    Coasters provide one of the funnest activities for baby and toddlers: picking up and chucking. Bending down and plonking. Repeat. Super cheap as you probably already have them, and now that you have kids, there are certainly no hot drinks on them, so they may as well be put to use. And you get them for free in pubs (where you can pretend for may 20 seconds that you are your pre-child self, before someone throws a paddy over you not letting them touch the naked flames in that gorgeous wood burning fire).

    I bought these beauts the other day....they are soon to be destroyed by La Kinder

         7.  Pots 'n' Pan (and wooden spoons)

    Anything tinny and cupboard based, that you actually need right this second for cooking with. My son loves the Ikea colander, which is a bit of a shit as we mainly eat pasta and potatoes (stodge) in this house, so its precisely the thing I need 80% of my cooking time. Coupled with a wooden spoon and occasionally a spouting potato thrown in, he thinks all his Christmases have come at once. Easy to please that one.

    Colander on head = Possibly cutest picture ever.

        8.   Door Dongers

    I don't know the proper word for this, but they are those silver or gold coiled metal thingamedoodles that are on the back of doors in newer house to stop the doors going donk. I think, you have to have them to know what I'm taking about. 
    They are great for donging. Just let your little one free on them to pull back and doooooonnnnnggggg. Free kicks for kids.

    You know, the door donger

         9.    Box of 'Sanitary Items'

    Ideal for chucking down the loo and testing how many can block it. The giant added sick type are also fantastic to stick to siblings in some kind of Always inspired mask of Zorro. Hey, Bring out your creative side with Tampax AND you can go swimming while having your time of the month.

        10.   Jewellery 

    Simply adorn on your favourite caregiver and PULL! For maximum fun, use this toy in public and when the dangly silvery thingies are on their ears. Honestly if you do this kids, there comes a fantastic sound effect that sometimes only dogs can hear.

       11.   Packaging

    Here's a tip for you parental folk - just wrap the wrapping in wrapping or maybe go all out and wrap up some packaging in wrapping. Or just lob the Amazon box in there direction (or, ahem, empty box of wine). Here's a little poem I just made to symbolise this event

    "Discarded will lie, that well thought out top toy....thoroughly played with, will be that cheap wrap from the card factory". 

    Yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme, but I was trying to be all professional poet there. 

       12.   Wires

    OK, someone needs to come up with a baby safe wire toy, because there is something completely awe inspiring about the jumble of wires I have behind the tele. No amount of "ouchie, ooooh, electric, burnie, no more baby," explanations seem to get through.

    NB: If you do invent a safe wire toy, please feel free to send me the royalties.

       13.    Dirty Pools of Water

    What's more refreshing to dabble in than a manky pool of green stagnant water in a bucket out back? I know the answer to this one - the fishy breathed cat water bowl! But only just, maybe because it has an air of Dreamies in it. So enticing, and so available. Just try to stop them at the consumption stage. 

       14.     Loo Roll

    Now that's never going to go back on straight again.

    Remember that cute Labrador puppy advert? Now look at your loo post toilet roll apocalypse. You can never get that toilet roll back on the same again. But at only 3.3p per sheet, its worth it to see their little faces.

        15.    Cereal Box

    A.K.A. Giant Rattle.  'Nuff said. 

    No actually, not quite enough said - make sure the lid stays shut. Unless you treated yourself to a cleaner (see point 5)

    Cupboard snatcher

       16.   Wash Basket

    This one does require some parental input. So put down that cold cupper and get to work! The wash basket is a master of many guises - plane, boat, cave, hoarder of odd socks, small containment facility. 

    The happy prisoner 

      17.   Random Slightly Sticky  Sticky-label

    What is this wondrous thing? It kind of sticks to my top, then my fingers, then my tongue. 

    Most children will be conflicted by this 'marmite' toy.  Love that it sticks, but infuriated by its stickiness. But all in all, it makes a great youtube video.

       18.   Posh Makeup

    None of your cheap stuff will do. Your little boy is now painted like a lady of the night...if a lady of the night looked like a garden gnome with expensive tastes. The only payoff is the Facebook likes for that cute little guy's picture.

       19. Bin

    One mans trash is the baby's treasure. Just try to at least direct them towards the waste paper bin for a classier bin raiding experience.

        20. Pegs

    Ah, behold the wondrous brightly coloured plastic pegs! As we have grown older, the magic of the leg is lost on us, but not to the innocent baby. And at only £1 pack, let them have that Christmas laundry magic.


    So there you have it - a list of must haves, that most certainly will not break the bank, as you already have most of them. No pressure to buy the greatest most expensive toy or take down your neighbour this black friday.  Feel free to congratulate yourself on finding this list and the money you have saved by treating yourself to a bottle of Tescos finest.

    Any must have toys, that you already have, that technically isn't a toy type suggestions, pop them below for all to share this Christmas.

    Merry Christmas everyone! *Clinks your virtual glass of well earned mulled wine*

    It's showtime....What, you didn't think I wasn't going shopping still did you?

    You Baby Me Mummy


    1. Excellent selection! The door donger especially is inspiring. For good measure I will also put the gift in my bedroom and say, 'No' every time the child approaches it. #TheList

    2. Ha ha! Shit-ter-geddon! lol! Fab post hun. Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

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