A Parent's Step By Step Guide To Getting Through The Squits

So, you're here either because your little bundle of fun has a squitty bum-bums or you are really, really into poo. Well, you may just like a giggle given that you've probably spend the week watching Paw Patrol/watching someone else watch you on the loo/are exhausted from saying, "Just get your coat on!!"

We are having an acute onsite of ball-pitistis here and no, I'm not referring to my husband, but the sudden onset of vomiting and diarrhoea following a toddlers trip to soft play. Now I have finished cursing the other parents of soft play for their irresponsibly viral covered children (though in fairness it could of been the bin my son foraged through that caused this, or the floor he licked...The possibilities are endless in the age group), I will bring to you how you can get through the squits in this step by step satirical guide.

A Step by Step Guide to Getting Through The Squits

The Squits: A melodramatic portrayal

You will need:

  • A source of black baby grows
  • Ample supply of poo bags and air freshener
  • Nappies - no particles kind, they will all leak.
  • Waterproofs
  • The 90 degree spin cycle
  • Spatula
  • 10 pack of wipes (at least two packs in every room)
  • Carpet cleaner
  • Bin bags x 3 
  • Liberal use of Sod's Law
  • Clean hands
  • Resolve
  • Dioralyte
  • Caffeine/Alcohol
  • Someone else
  • One whole midnight bath 
  • More Dioralyte
  • Sleep
  • The week off work

Step One:

Take one child covered in poo. The poo must at least be up their nipples to qualify for true 'squitty-bum-bums' status. De-robe child and consider why there isn't more of a market for black baby grows. There's a heck of a lot of bodily fluids emitted from children - this is clearly an untapped market. Think back to those shared Facebook posts with how those envelope shoulder tabs are just for this kind of shit-uation. Still smear your child's face in poo. Feel guilty for at least a month at your poor parenting abilities.

I'm not sure if this is a picture of me or the baby at this precise moment