Trust Me Mummy, I'm a Doctor: How Your Children Perform Stealth Medical Tests On You.

The whiley creatures you have spurned from your loins are secretly testing you every day.

They use their cute facade of chunky thighs and chocolate button eyes to gain your trust whilst using their superior (yet well hidden) intellect to perform research and testing on you (usually immobilising you in the process) and use their manipulative skills to their advantage.

It may sound total conspiracy theory to you, but over the years these mini-beasts have evolved into stealth diagnosis of their parents and are using this to their advantage (to gain more Haribo and crucially undivided attention). After observing two of them in their natural habitat (usually in front of Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol) whilst gorging on their brain food of 'narnas and squash, I have been privy to highly classified intel and witnessed the odd covert three-year old trump also.



Just bend over Daddy and you won't feel a thing...

I have gained firsthand knowledge of their tricks after my 21 month old sat his plump behind directly on my knee cap last week, resulting in a knee dislocation for me and a toy pelting whilst I lay in shock on the floor, from them. Those tricksy monkeys immobilised me so they could use me for target practice.

....<Looks over shoulder> Time to read the iPhone on the loo, cover with your laptop under the covers and get MIL in - here are the secret tests they perform on you daily (insert 'Do-do-do-do-dooo' alien encounter music here, but get mistakenly mixed up with Star Wars Cantina Music instead):


That's right kids, I got your precious.



The Secret Medical Research Your Kids Perform on You....



Foot Mammogram   


Boobies!

Procedure:


*Please note this test can only be preformed by a qualified technician between the hours of 4am-6am (the likely technician usual bears a resemblance to a chubby wristed over friendly 18 month old with a resistance to blackout blinds)*

The 'technician' uses their tiny innocuous looking cute cankeled foot to squish down with full body weight (approx 13kg in an 18month old) to sandwich their mother's breast against the mattress. 

**There is a male equivalent of the Foot mammogram called the 'Knacker Knock'. It is usual for the qualified technician to employ the same technique but they can use a lesser amount of pressure to exhibit the same effect due to the XY effect of pain sensitivity (see Man Flu).

Outcome:


The resulting pressure is akin to a high heel on a little toe on a night out (before kids) and will give the desired effect of waking 9/10 mothers from a sleep, meaning a Night Garden viewing buddy for the technician.

There have been side effects to this procedure, mainly negative mood effects seen throughout the day on all parental units, with partcilaury correlation seen if the parents are tested pre 5.30 am.


Reliability:


Sometimes the technician can be distracted by CBeebies and during this time, it is advisable for parents to cover all organs with pillows. 

Sensitivity 99% - Ouch.

Specicifty - Works on a further 89% of parental units organs.



NB: I have this experience of this test performed on me daily and I am certain it in no way does it have any health benefit apart from upping my pain threshold and making my neighbours believe that we have run over the cat every morning. 



Playbill Acuity Test

Procedure:


Whilst the parent is distracted  by another sibling or an usual activity of daily living, a playmobil character (preferably the pointier the better) is lobbed in a curve ball action around the peripheral vision for a direct knock to the 'bonce'.

There you are, just minding your own Playbill business, loading the dishwasher and...bam! 

Outcome:


A switch of attention to the lobber.

Reliability:


60% hit rate. Some studies have seen an increased direct hit rate if the foot mammogram is used earlier and due to reduced reaction time after 'silly o'clock' awakenings.

Lobber's often lack precision and have a high chub to muscle ratio, lowing the reliability of the attention switch effect.

Lego Gait Stability