Trust Me Mummy, I'm a Doctor: How Your Children Perform Stealth Medical Tests On You.

The whiley creatures you have spurned from your loins are secretly testing you every day.

They use their cute facade of chunky thighs and chocolate button eyes to gain your trust whilst using their superior (yet well hidden) intellect to perform research and testing on you (usually immobilising you in the process) and use their manipulative skills to their advantage.

It may sound total conspiracy theory to you, but over the years these mini-beasts have evolved into stealth diagnosis of their parents and are using this to their advantage (to gain more Haribo and crucially undivided attention). After observing two of them in their natural habitat (usually in front of Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol) whilst gorging on their brain food of 'narnas and squash, I have been privy to highly classified intel and witnessed the odd covert three-year old trump also.



Just bend over Daddy and you won't feel a thing...

I have gained firsthand knowledge of their tricks after my 21 month old sat his plump behind directly on my knee cap last week, resulting in a knee dislocation for me and a toy pelting whilst I lay in shock on the floor, from them. Those tricksy monkeys immobilised me so they could use me for target practice.

....<Looks over shoulder> Time to read the iPhone on the loo, cover with your laptop under the covers and get MIL in - here are the secret tests they perform on you daily (insert 'Do-do-do-do-dooo' alien encounter music here, but get mistakenly mixed up with Star Wars Cantina Music instead):


That's right kids, I got your precious.



The Secret Medical Research Your Kids Perform on You....



Foot Mammogram   


Boobies!

Procedure:


*Please note this test can only be preformed by a qualified technician between the hours of 4am-6am (the likely technician usual bears a resemblance to a chubby wristed over friendly 18 month old with a resistance to blackout blinds)*

The 'technician' uses their tiny innocuous looking cute cankeled foot to squish down with full body weight (approx 13kg in an 18month old) to sandwich their mother's breast against the mattress. 

**There is a male equivalent of the Foot mammogram called the 'Knacker Knock'. It is usual for the qualified technician to employ the same technique but they can use a lesser amount of pressure to exhibit the same effect due to the XY effect of pain sensitivity (see Man Flu).

Outcome:


The resulting pressure is akin to a high heel on a little toe on a night out (before kids) and will give the desired effect of waking 9/10 mothers from a sleep, meaning a Night Garden viewing buddy for the technician.

There have been side effects to this procedure, mainly negative mood effects seen throughout the day on all parental units, with partcilaury correlation seen if the parents are tested pre 5.30 am.


Reliability:


Sometimes the technician can be distracted by CBeebies and during this time, it is advisable for parents to cover all organs with pillows. 

Sensitivity 99% - Ouch.

Specicifty - Works on a further 89% of parental units organs.



NB: I have this experience of this test performed on me daily and I am certain it in no way does it have any health benefit apart from upping my pain threshold and making my neighbours believe that we have run over the cat every morning. 



Playbill Acuity Test

Procedure:


Whilst the parent is distracted  by another sibling or an usual activity of daily living, a playmobil character (preferably the pointier the better) is lobbed in a curve ball action around the peripheral vision for a direct knock to the 'bonce'.

There you are, just minding your own Playbill business, loading the dishwasher and...bam! 

Outcome:


A switch of attention to the lobber.

Reliability:


60% hit rate. Some studies have seen an increased direct hit rate if the foot mammogram is used earlier and due to reduced reaction time after 'silly o'clock' awakenings.

Lobber's often lack precision and have a high chub to muscle ratio, lowing the reliability of the attention switch effect.

Lego Gait Stability



Tread carefully....

Procedure:


NB: This test is best done in low light conditions and after the 'Reverse Hearing Test' as detailed below.

The toddler scientists performs this test by firstly feigning that they have cleared away all their toys.

Then they strategically scatter lego over a dimly lit floor, preferably with a flurry rug to truly hide the lumpy little lego horrors.

The responsible adult is then invited into the study setting and the screams emitted can often be heard in the next county.

The test is then scored out of 10 for how many pieces of lego are now ebebded in the adults foot with negative marks for every piece avoided. 


Outcome:


Apart from testing the adults balance and postural skills over difficult terrain, the test also teaches valuable language skills for the choice vocabulary bank of  'Mummy's special words', which can be practiced in front of nice old ladies in Tescos.


Reliability:


95% effective in improvement of speech and language skills, unfortutenly only very specific skills are learnt and are usually only employed in the most socially high stakes situations - visits from mother inlaws, passing social workers and that smarmy other parent at the school gate are featured highly in feedback from toddlers. 

Evacuation Ananylsis (Nicknamed 'The Gillain Mckeith Technique')


Procedure:


The test is best performed in public loos for higher efficacy. 


Well, Helloooo there, Mummy....What ya' doin?


The parental subject 'performs' on the loo whilst the analysing technician studies intensely between their legs, sometimes demanding to sit on the subjects lap or increasing pressure to perform by adjusting the bathroom lock.

The technician is fully qualified to comment on any evacuation made by the subject and will likely do so at a high decibel reading, so that other subjects in nearby analysis vestibules (toilet cubicles) can also learn from the experience.


Outcome:



The aim of the analysis is to produce a 'learning experience' for everyone. EVERYONE.

The subject learns new found flexibility in being able to position their bottom over the vestibule, hem the technician in with one leg, and lean one arm over to the door to ensure closure (and reduce lady part exposure).

The technician learns the subtle features of decorum, though will rarely use these until reaching the teen years as the overwhelming fascination with poo-poos and bum-bums overrides this progression in the early years.

Onlookers get provided with full entertainment and possible an eyeful of the subject struggling to shut the door with her knicky-knacky-noos round her ankles.

Unforutnately a major side effect of this test is loss of dignity, but most subjects find that their dignity is already at rock bottom level after the technicians arrival into the world, so it falling any further has limited effect on the quality of life scores in the long term.

Reliability:


100%. EVERYONE learns from  this experience. 

Reverse Hearing Test


Procedure:


Everything must be silent for this procedure. Too quiet in fact. The tiny researcher can then get on with whatever the fudge they like -  hanging out of first floor windows, unrolling reams of loo paper, performing illegal animal testing on the cat with mummy's most expensive makeup -and assess how long it is until the subject realises that things are too quiet and some shizzle is going down.

The test stops when a cold sweated mother enters the situation and states, "Oh my god - what are you doing??!!!"


Always pay attention when there is Andrex involved.

Outcome:


A 'close eye' will be placed on the researcher for at least the next 24-48 hours which equals almost unrivalled attention and a dedicated play partner #WinnerWinnerChickenDinner.

Reliability:


There are major confounders to this test such as:
  • The test should never be operated on Daddy's Loo time. No one knows what daddy does in there but it takes a disproportionate amount of time and the loo is subjectively soundproof to any alerting noises from the researcher for attention.
  • If the test co-incides with Mummy's daily Facebook catchup time
  • If the test is performed in noisy conditions such as when the washing is on (which is basically all the time.


Mummyworth sleepiness scale


Procedure


The Mummyworth sleepiness scale is a parental rip off of the Epworth Sleepiness scale (an actual thing) and rates parental drowsiness against frequent nocturnal awakenings, rising at 'silly o'clock', and 'bouncing off the walls at 10pm after nanny fed him 2kg of chocolate'. 



Outcome:


The parent is rated on their day time sleepiness by the Baby Doctor if they show these signs related to a daily living task such as shopping in the local supermarket:


The bright (migraine inducing) lights await you sleepyhead...


1/10: Stomachs Iggle Piggle on repeat for 30 minutes as eyelids too heavy to move from bed.
2/10: Realises at breakfast time there is no actual breakfast in the house.
3/10: Get children in car then realises it 7.30am and shops are no currently open, but it doesn't matter anyway as keys cannot be located.
4/10: Finds keys misplaced in freezer compartment.
5/10: Eat choc ices for breakfast. Realise there are no fudging baby wipes.
6/10: Arrive at supermarket, but not quite sure how they got there 
7/10: Buys identical pair of shoes in supermarket to ones already as at home.
8/10: No longer recognises if children still belong to her on rampage around the supermarket and open many packets of unpaid for items to stem the poop hitting the fan.
9/10: Gets home and relishes quiet only to release forgot to get baby wipes and children.
10/10: Leave wine un-drunk in evening *The case needs to be escalated to the crisis team (Daddy or grandma) at this point, Mummy does not waste wine.


Repeat after me: "Mummy does not waste wine"


Reliability:


It has been known that Daddies get unusually competitive in this sleepiness assessment and disagreements over the results over who is sleepier can be raised with Mummy. These can be mediated by the Baby Doctor, However the Baby Doctor doesn't give a flying monkey's bum and is about as impartial Jeremy Hunt interest in privatising the NHS - however for a peaceful life, Daddies should always let Mummies win at this. There is always an unfavourable outcome for daddies who persist in challenging the studies validity and many have been report to the MILC (Mother In Law Council) for a stern new a-hole ripping.

Daddy Back Strength Analysis


Procedure:


Endless horsey rides via the Daddy Donkey. No payment, except in giggles.

Well, it starts well....

Outcome:


Daddy releases his fitness isn't what it used to be and possible incurs minor fractures to some vertebrae during the task but will soldier on (yeah right).

Reliability:


Daddy's always there for you. Though his back will give out, eventually.


Future Fertility Testing


Procedure:


Let's start at the beginning,  even though we are at the end: 

When the little person first came into the world, they came via  one of the two V's - the vahino or the Velux window (we've moved on from sunroof now, who has a sunroof?!). On exit, something went down. Something messy, painful and that should never be discussed again. Yes, this is the Voldemort of procedures. 

Yep. That's roughly the what a Velux looks like post childbirth 

Outcome:


After 'The Voldemort' your bits will be Voldemorted, unsurprisingly. This results is a temporary (until 'Broodiness factor' appears) wish to NEVER under any circumstance have children again.

This, indirectly is a survival mechanism for the newly born baby - no siblings means two parents ALL to themselves.


Reliability:

1% after the first child, 70% after the second child and 90% after the third. Just to go against D-Reem, things can only get worse and the results are away confounded by new baby stargazing but this lessons its affect with each subsequent child and is inversely proportional to sleep deprivation. 




*****


So by now, there are probably little fingers clawing at the bathroom door...clear your internet history and act like nothing happened - but before you do, please share with other parents. <Looks shifty and beckons you closer>, Look we can conquer there world each toddler at a time, join me.....Here I am on Facebook

And share you #childinducedinjuries too - if we can't beat 'em, we must learn from them (by beat them, I mean as in a race, nothing that social services need to be informed about).


Please come before I have a go at of stair shelter-skelter from 'patella dislocation child induced injury boredom' and stop me from dislocating the other one. Not that I'm counting on you or anything <whispers, "I'm counting on you.">



No comments:

Post a Comment